Three Cheers for Rubber Ducks, Snowmen and Revenge
by xcustard.piex
Summary: Nobody, but NOBODY locked Yuffie Kisaragi out of a room. Especially not someone who'd never bothered to visit her in four years. Oh, she would have her revenge. She was the greatest ninja ever and boy was she ticked off. Yuffentine. Post AC.
1. Chapter 1

_Second story! Yay! Please leave a review and tell me what you think. I'm not sure when the second chapter will be up, but hopefully sometime soon. It's still school holidays but I now officially have **three** jobs, so depending on how much I'm working... well, I'll try to have it out sometime between now and two weeks from now._

_---_

"VINNIE!"

He barely had time to blink before being forced to stagger back out through the doorframe by what appeared to be a bundle of clothes; complete with arms that were now wrapped firmly around his waist.

"You came and Tifa said you would but I didn't believe her because you're SUCH an anti-social loser and I don't know WHY she even bothers trying still when you've never showed up before because you're much too busy brooding about stupid crap that doesn't even matter anymore and oh, Vincent!"

All of this was said very fast and with what appeared to be the bundle's face pressed into his chest, so that Vincent made out a total of 5 words which were of course the insulting parts, _anti-social loser, brooding, and stupid crap._

"Yuffie?" He asked suspiciously, peering down at the figure that was still clinging to him like he was her lifeline. The thing (he wasn't yet sure it was human) mumbled an answer into his cloak.

"Sorry, what?" Utterly bemused by what it had said, he poked the top of the bundle for another response. The tiny ninja finally looked up at him, glaring with all her might.

"I said YES, you log head! Now hurry up and get inside! It is FRUH-EEZING out here!" Yuffie huffed, and letting go of his waist to grab his arm with both hands she proceeded to drag him through the snow into Seventh Heaven. Never minding the fact that it was her who had caused them to be standing out there in the first place, Yuffie gave him another glare before snapping at him to hurry up and shut the door. Vincent waited until she'd turned away again before shaking his head in wonder at her and the fact that she appeared to be as immature (perhaps even more so) as when he'd last seen her four years ago.

---

"Come on, come on! They're all out in the backroom!" Yuffie was suddenly behind him, pushing him along the length of the bar towards a door that definitely wasn't there the last time he'd been to the bar. Catching the look of surprise on his face, the ninja added, "Cloud's only just built it on. They've been doing heaps of renovating lately, that's why we're all staying here. Usually half of us have to stay at a hotel or on Cid's stupid ugly ship. Man, I hate that thing and I swear that Cid will deliberately fly it sideways if I'm on it, he is SUCH an ass to me. Did you know he still calls me a little brat despite the fact that I am now TWENTY-TWO years old! Plus it doesn't help that Tifa is always calling me asking if I'm okay, where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with. I mean, I'm not her kid. I don't even live here! Why do I need her permission to go out with people she doesn't know?!?! Stupid Cloud just smirks at me; Cid and he are in cahoots with each other, I'm sure of it! And -"

"Yuffie, you're rambling again." Vincent pointed out, trying to hide his own smirk. She glared again and opened her mouth to say what he could only guess would've been a very well thought out insult, but he had opened the door and stepped through, closing it firmly behind him.

"VINCENT!" Yuffie's once again muffled voice screeched, causing everyone else in the room to turn and look at him.

---

For about 0.3 seconds there was dead silence, and then the room erupted into noise. Tifa had let out a squeal of excitement, Barret had slung a heavy arm around him (the closest, Vincent guessed, the macho man would ever come to hugging another guy), Cloud had let loose a smile, Denzel cheered, Marlene matched Tifa's squeal with her one of her own, and Cid just offered a, "Well, fuck me sideways!" before quickly being admonished for it by Shera, who then offered Vincent a cup of tea.

"The man doesn't want TEA, woman!" Cid yelled, pushing a glass of whiskey into Vincent's hand and urging him to drink up, assuring him it would be the "finest damn whiskey a pansy like you'd ever drunk!"

"I've got to say, Vincent. I wasn't exactly convinced you'd come." Tifa smiled at him, while Shera once again told off Cid.

"There are CHILDREN in the room, Cid! For God's sake, please watch your language!"

"How've you been, man?" Barret asked in his booming voice as Cloud asked the very same question.

"Good, I've been good." Vincent gave a rare smile as he surveyed the room, noting the Turks in the corner. Rude raised a hand, Tseng nodded in greeting and Elena broke off her conversation with Reno to come over.

"We haven't forgotten what you did for us." The blonde said quietly, referring to herself and Tseng. "Thank you again."

Vincent nodded in reply but was stopped from saying anything by a tug on his sleeve. Looking down, he saw Nanaki grinning up at him.

"Took you long enough to get down here!" The animal growled jokingly, scowling as a hyper Denzel jumped on him to get Vincent's attention.

"Hey! Vincent! Are you staying here with us? Tifa said she didn't know, but there's tons of room. I've been helping Cloud renovating! It's been loads of fun; you've missed out on heaps. You really should visit more often, you know." The boy's endless stream of chatter reminded Vincent of someone else and he suddenly grimaced.

---

Back inside the bar area of the building, the lithe female seethed with anger and frustration, trying to shove the door open with her shoulder. Needless to say, the door wasn't budging a bit and the ninja (convinced it was now laughing at her) gave it a menacing growl.

"Vincent Valentine. You're going to wish you never came back." Yuffie vowed, eyes narrowed and hands on hips, glaring at the still unmoving door.

---

"Yo, Valentine? Someone walk over your grave?" Reno joked, seeing Vincent suddenly shudder.

"Yeah, something like that…" Vincent muttered distractedly. He suddenly had a very bad feeling about returning.


	2. Chapter 2

_Wheee. Second chapter, finally. This one's pretty short too. In fact, I'm starting to think they might all just be over 1000 words... Oh well. Anyway, I'm not sure when the next when will be up so I won't make any promises. Read and Review? D_

---

"Oh, Yuffie, you're back. Where did you get off to last night? You missed Vincent!" Tifa made her way down the staircase and took a seat across from the Wutainese princess. Yuffie chewed through the giant mouthful of cereal she had just shoved into her mouth before swallowing it and smiling brightly to Vincent. The ex-Turk had been right behind Tifa on the stairs.

"Something came up." Yuffie replied airily, flapping a hand (the one not holding the spoon) around. Her easy demeanor satisfied Tifa, who simply nodded and poured herself a coffee. Vincent however, who had gone to his room to find the window wide open and his bed not only covered in snow but also short-sheeted, decided to take his breakfast outside.

---

"Vincent! Vincent! Come and make snowmen with me!" Marlene begged, tugging on the male's arm. "Denzel's not allowed because Tifa says he has a fever and Papa and Cloud are," she made a face, "_working_."

He couldn't help but give the 10 year old a small smile and allow himself to be lead outside, to where Cid was waiting next to a mound of snow.

"And ya can wipe the goddamn smirk off ya face, Valentine or you'll be buried in this stuff before you can blink!" the pilot snapped, kicking snow everywhere for emphasis.

"Shera?" Vincent asked sympathetically.

"You don' see HER out here freezing her butt off to stick carrots and twigs into giant balls of snow!" Cid continued his rant while shaking his fist up at the house.

Marlene stuck out her bottom lip, giving Cid the biggest puppy dog eyes she could muster. She'd discovered they worked a treat when it came to the gruff man. His expression immediately softened and stuck his hands in his pockets.

"Alright, alright, _alright_. You build and I'll direct. That's my deal." Marlene nodded enthusiastically and started scooping the snow into a pile along with Vincent.

An hour later, the trio (Cid had eventually joined in) were putting the finishing touches on their snowmen when Yuffie burst through the back door.

"HIGHHHHHH YA!" she screamed, round-house kicking Cid's and sending snow all over Vincent. All three stared at her while she got her breath back.

"Geez you guys, don't you know that after you build snowmen you're supposed to knock him down?" Yuffie shook her head and brushed herself off. Marlene was quick to grab onto this idea and went to burrow through hers. "Wait!" Yuffie shrieked, causing the younger girl to stop abruptly. Once again, all three builders stared at the ninja.

"Tifa will KILL me if you go inside covered in snow. I was _sent_" she assumed an important air, "to tell you that dinner's ready. Afterwards, we can mutilate them as much you like. Now, chop chop!" and Yuffie ushered Marlene inside, with not even a look in Vincent's direction.

---

"Excuse me; I need to use the ladies room." Yuffie said, standing up. Denzel eyed the piece of steak sitting on her plate. "Nanaki, guard my food with your life." She added as an afterthought, before running up the stairs.

"Is it just me, or is Yuffie ignoring you?" Cloud looked at Vincent, wearing a small frown. Nanaki turned to their conversation and quick as a flash, the steak was on Denzel's plate and already half gone.

"Why do you think that?" Vincent continued to eat.

"No reason…" Cloud's frown turned into a look of shock, when Nanaki yelped.

"You little sneak! Yuffie's going to kill me!" Denzel just looked at him innocently, plate clean as a whistle.

"Nyuk nyuk nyuk. This'll teach that bully to lock me out! ME! The Great Ninja Yuffie!" The Great Ninja Yuffie's scowl disappeared as she hoisted the bucket of cold water up to the window ledge, carefully slid the glass across and tipped the water over Vincent's snowmen.

"Let's see him try to knock THAT down!" Still chuckling, she made her way back down to the dining room.

"DENZEL!"

---

"C'mon Vincent, we have to knock our snowmen down before bedtime!" Marlene was once again tugging on Vincent's hand, trying to pull him outside.

"Wait for me! I'm coming too!" Yuffie hurriedly shoved her last forkful of potato into her mouth, dumped her plate in the sink and followed them outside. Marlene (who had been slowly getting more excited about this throughout dinner) had immediately flung herself onto her snowman, sending it's head rolling and knocking all it's buttons askew. Once she'd trampled around on it until it was once again one with the rest of the snow, Marlene prodded Vincent.

"Your turn now! Come on!" she continued to prod him. Yuffie nodded earnestly in agreement.

"That's right Valentine. You have to honor the snowmen code." The amount of seriousness in her voice could've made Vincent die laughing, if it wasn't for the evil glint in her eye. He once again got that bad feeling, but backed up at more of Marlene's prodding and prepared to run into his snowman.

Marlene blinked as both Yuffie and Vincent went crashing onto the ground.

"Nyuk nyuk nyuk! You fell right into that one, Valentine! You know, for a Turk you're pretty darn stupid. Nyuk nyuk!" Vincent blinked up at her laughing face and suddenly noticed that his head hurt. A lot.

"Uh, ouch?" He stated, half-dazed. This of course, just caused Yuffie to laugh even more and pretty soon tears were running down her face because of it and she was gasping for air.

Marlene tried not to laugh, she really did. But eventually she joined in with Yuffie, shrieking with delight at the look on Vincent's face.

The snowman's rock hard exterior glistened in the slowly fading light and Yuffie disappeared into the house before Vincent could finally work out what had happened.

---

"What happened to your face, yo?" Reno leant over the dining room table to pull the ice pack away from Vincent's face. Vincent glared up at him, which wasn't so much as menacing as comical, what with the right half of his face almost completely black and blue.

"He had a run in with a snowman." Cid smirked, offering the red-head one of his cigarettes. "I think it's safe to say he lost. After all, the snowman's still standing." And he jerked a thumb towards the back hard. Reno peered through the window to see multiple tools - hammer, shovel, even a drill – lying around in the snow at the base of what looked like an ice sculpture.

"Come on, man. You didn't realize that thing was solid?" Reno snickered, earning another glare.

"No, I just happen to like running into unmoving objects. Brick walls, snowmen, whatever I can find. It's a hobby, okay?" Vincent rolled his eyes and snatched the ice pack back.

"Was that a joke I hear?" Reno plastered a fake look of shock onto his face. "You must be hurting worse than I thought."

"Nyuk nyuk nyuk!" Vincent stared up the stairs, but he couldn't detect any sign of movement.

"Kisaragi," he hissed under his breath. "This is not over."

---

_It begins! Nyuk nyuk nyuk._

_P.S. Does anyone else just **love** Yuffie's laugh?!?!?_


	3. Chapter 3

_Finally, an update! This chapter was a pain in the butt to write, it's been sitting in my hard drive for nearly 6 months finished but for 2 paragraphs that refused to be written. I won't make any promises about when the next update will be, but I'll try to get it up soon._

* * *

Over the following week the pranks escalated to an astonishing height. Some even managed to make Tifa smile (Yuffie's materia disappearing in her arms with a BANG and reappearing as roses) while some were just downright dangerous (vipers in your underwear drawer, anyone?). More often than not, it was the rest of the household who ended up the victims. Shera was doused in mud when she opened Vincent's door to put the cloak she'd just finished repairing on his bed. Toilet seats were frequently discovered (far too late, of course) to have been painstakingly covered with cling-wrap and it was now a daily chore to fish fake spiders out of your hair, shoes and coffee.

Cid, who had quickly gotten tired of their 'shenanigans', didn't take long to drag Shera with him to stay in his ship where he could get some peace and quiet. Marlene and Denzel found it all thoroughly amusing and were often wheedling away at either Yuffie or Vincent, trying to find out what they were up to next. Yuffie saw something in this and promptly started bribing them both with chocolate to spy on the oh-so-stealthy gunman.

It wasn't long before Vincent noticed his shadows and, after talking to Cloud, he decided that video games were all it would take for Denzel to be turned to 'the dark side' as Marlene put it when reporting this new development to Yuffie.

"A double agent, ay? Well, we'll fix him too then, won't we Marly?" The ninja had rubbed her hands together in glee, thinking of all the double pranks she could pull off.

--

"Yuffie! I'm going shopping, do you need anything?" Tifa called from the front door, shrugging into her jacket. She didn't even blink in surprise when Yuffie appeared from out behind the couch.

"Just lemme find Marlene, we'll come too." Tifa watched with interest as Yuffie snuck up the stairs, almost on all fours, pressed to the wall and eyes darting around suspiciously.

"Don't you think this has gone a bit far?" Yuffie yelped and would've pitched backwards if it wasn't for the claw that had grabbed her wrist. Vincent's eyes danced with amusement as Yuffie snatched her hand back and, drawing herself to her full height (which, let's face it, was neither impressive nor intimidating), marched past him into Marlene's room. After a couple of minutes, she returned and marched back down to Tifa, deftly ignoring Vincent and with Marlene trying to copy her dignified look while trying not to trip. Holding your head that high while walking was a definite health hazard, the ten year old thought to herself.

"Obviously not." The male sighed to himself and went back to his reading.

--

"We'll need some of this, and some of this and oooh! Definitely some of _this_." Yuffie paused briefly to grab another trolley, passing the first overflowing one to Marlene. She was barely tall enough to see over the mountain of toilet paper that Yuffie had crammed on top and it didn't take long for her to give up, folding her arms and glaring at the older girl.

"Oh, fine. You take the empty one." Yuffie huffed, switching trolleys and peering at the shelves of sauces. "We're also going to need some ketchup…"

"Are you guys ready to g- YUFFIE!" Tifa stopped short, staring at the now both overflowing 'shop cars' as Denzel liked to refer to them by. "Honestly, you two." Shaking her head, Tifa didn't even bother trying to reason with them anymore. The thing that surprised her most about all this was that Vincent was not only taking part in Yuffie's games, but he was encouraging the kids along with her!

"In answer to your unfinished question; yes, we are done." Yuffie beamed at Tifa and led the way to the checkout. "Oh, and what's for dinner tonight?"

--

"Oh no, I left the sauce in the kitchen. Vincent, could you grab it for me?" Tifa surveyed the table before her as Cloud and Rude walked outside juggling numerous salads. As soon as the girls had arrived home from the shops, Tifa had immediately snatched the phone from the hook and had stayed on it for the next half hour before announcing that they were having a BBQ and if anyone else had other guests to invite they'd better do it quickly. Cid had come around straight away to help Barret and Cloud shift every table in the house outside (there was no way they would fit more than 8 people in the dining room) and the Turks had arrived a little early with Reno and Tseng carrying a keg of Reno's homemade beer and Rude carrying another behind them. Elena kind of hovered behind on the way through the house, repeatedly asking Rude if 'you're _sure_ you don't need any help?' Shera turned up not long after Cid to help Tifa with the salad while Yuffie and the kids were given dessert duty.

"I'll grab it!" Yuffie shot up from the chair she was in and squeezed past Vincent who had paused in the doorway. Tifa looked suspicious and was about to follow her inside when the smell of gas filled the air.

"Denzel! Turn that gas bottle off this instant, and Reno put those matches away before you blow us all up." Reno sulkily stuck the box of matches back in his pocket, took the unlit cigarette from his mouth and gave it a sad look before putting it back in its packet.

--

"Alright, so here's the plan."

Marlene listened carefully, the smile on her face growing wider and wider as she watched Yuffie pull out the bottle of ketchup she'd bought earlier on, unscrew the lid and scoop out a few spoonfuls into the sink. The elder of the two partners in crime rinsed the sink quickly; washing away the sauce before searching through the cupboard for the bottle of Tabasco she'd noted was there earlier on. Yuffie paused, listening carefully for footsteps and then whisked off the cap of the hot sauce, topped up the ketchup bottle and twisted both of the bottles lids back on. The Tabasco went back into the cupboard, hidden by tins of spaghetti and cans of tuna, while Marlene rummages through the fridge to find the other bottle of ketchup.

"Alright now, you got it? 'Cos you play a big part in this, Marlene, and I've got to be sure you know what you're doing. If I die, and there's a good chance that Vincent will kill me, I need to die knowing that Denzel will get what's coming to him, the no-good double crossing scoundrel that he is."

"It's the one third from the left in the center line when the tin is facing long side towards me with the dent on the right."

"Good girl!" Yuffie beamed her approval at the youngster before picking up both bottles of sauce and carrying them outside, placing the plain ketchup one at the opposite end to where Vincent was seated, and the tampered with one in front of the chair that Marlene has just slid into.

--

"Can you pass me the ketchup, Cloud?" Vincent had to raise his voice slightly to be heard over the chatter. The blonde nodded and slid the bottle down to the other end of the table, where a slim hand delicately snapped out to grab it. Grinning mischievously, Yuffie stuck her tongue out at Vincent before slowly dousing her sausages with the stolen goods. Vincent blinked and then shrugged; taking the second bottle that Marlene offered him instead.

Yuffie watched anxiously as Vincent flipped open the top of the ketchup bottle. It took all of her willpower to not shriek, "OH, FOR THE LOVE OF WUTAI!" at him when the ex-Turk paused to say something to Reeve. Unconsciously, she began to chew her nails when, agonizingly slowly, Vincent drew squiggly lines of sauce onto his rissoles. Yuffie almost couldn't stand the suspense, tapping her foot on the floor as he picked up his knife and again, stopped to talk to Reeve. She was now grinding her teeth slightly as the gunman finally (oh, _finally_) cut the piece of meat, getting a corner that was absolutely drowning in sauce and stuck it in his mouth. It was all she could do to not burst out in laughter as Vincent's eyes widened slowly and he cleared his throat quietly. Then cleared it again before pouring himself a glass of water and drinking half of it in one mouthful. And then he started coughing, quietly at first and progressing until Barret was clapping him on the back.

"That was _not_ ketchup." Vincent managed to choke out in answer to everyone's 'Are you okay?'

--

Yuffie had fled the scene and was lying on her bed reading when the door flew open to reveal an extremely pissed looking Vincent holding the bottle of Tabasco in one hand and a tablespoon in the other. Immediately the ninja swung her legs above her head, throwing her up and flipping her body through the air to land, crouched, on the other side of the room. Her eyed flickered from the dark figure to the window and he glared.

"Don't even think about it or your materia will be learning how to swim." Vincent growled, advancing into the room and closing the door behind him.

"It was just a joke, Vinnie! Come on, I thought you'd find it funny!" Yuffie pleaded, her eyes growing wide as the hot sauce bottle was opened with a loud 'click'.

"Definitely the most hilarious thing that had ever happened to me, Yuffie. That's why I want to share the joke with you." Smirking now, he squeezed out a level tablespoon and knelt down in front of her.  
"Now, open wide."

Downstairs, knives and forks thudded onto plates as a scream that was unmistakably Yuffie's pierced the night. Tifa looked to Cloud.

"You don't think he would've… done something, do you?" Her brown eyes were filled with worry.

"Naw Tifa, I'd just say the brat would've just gotten a _taste_ of her own medicine." Cid nudged Reno next to him and both men snickered.

--

"Anyone want dessert?" Tifa called over the chattering. Vincent once again was seated next to Reeves and Yuffie (who had sulkily followed the gunman back downstairs after getting over her hysteria) was sitting as far away from him as possible. The table's occupants let out various forms of, "Yes!" and the look of displeasure on Yuffie's face swiftly changed to one of deviousness. She caught Marlene's eye for a split second and her facial expression fell back into one of moping before anyone at the table could grow suspicious.

"I'll help." Marlene offered, standing up and following Tifa into the kitchen.

"Thanks Marly. If you grab the brownies and put them in the bowls then I'll scoop the ice-cream, kay?" Tifa flashed a smile at the younger girl, missing the glint in Marlene's eyes as she quickly set to work.

Setting down Denzel's bowl in front of him, Marlene had to fight the urge to laugh and continued passing around the desserts. Once again, she locked eyes with Yuffie for barely a moment before returning to the kitchen to grab another couple of bowls. Denzel immediately dug into his brownie and the table was quiet for a few minutes as everyone savoured the food.

Until Denzel began to echo Vincent's earlier cough. Tifa gave Yuffie an exasperated look but the ninja just looked nonchalant and shrugged her shoulders as if to say, "Wasn't me." Marlene, however, could barely keep the grin off her face and it just grew wider the louder that Denzel coughed. Where he had cut his brownie you could make out tiny flecks of red; ground up chilli flakes.

As everyone gathered around to make sure Denzel was alright, Yuffie motioned for Marlene to follow her and the pair began to sneak inside. The ninja and her accomplice froze when Cloud looked up, raising an eyebrow at the pair of them.

"Yo Denzel, you gonna be finishing that?" Cloud turned away, distracted by Reno and the girls quickly rushed inside.

"What? I like chilli!" The red-head's indignant voice followed them inside and they giggled hysterically, grabbing their coats. Yuffie softly closed the front door behind them.

"We'll come back in a couple of hours, ay Marly? When it's calmed down a bit."

* * *

_Review, yo._


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